


Thin Body, Plump Stomach

by TeaRenQ



Series: Fandom Prompts [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: (putting it out there), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, BAMF Hobbits, Cultural Differences, Hobbits eat orcs, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-02 20:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12733974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaRenQ/pseuds/TeaRenQ
Summary: There's not much so far, but i will be getting a longer chapter out soon!Hobbits don't just eat green. In fact, during the Fell Winter, Hobbits found that wolf tastes just fine. And once, when a rare orc scouting party passed through the small town of the shire, hobbits decided that orc was just delicious with the right amount of seasoning.When Bilbo heard that a dragon was awaiting at the end of the dwarves quest, he wondered what it would taste like... maybe he could sneak a little nibble. That's really why Bilbo tagged along with the company.Or- Bilbo has the manners of a GentleHobbit, and that means he'll suppress his appetite around the dwarves, but the rations are getting smaller, and the orcs neared. One day Bilbo... snaps.Orcs taste great even without toppings.





	1. Daydreaming

Bilbo had known that food would be in short supply on this quest, but he hadn't expected it to get this bad. The rationing of the food gave the drawrves and their burglar only two meals a day, and those meals comprised of very little. Breakfast was a stale, hard crust of bread with a small sip of water from a waterskin that was passed around through the company. Supper was a strip of dried vension, dried greens, and another small gulp of water from the waterskin. With each Passing day Bilbo grew thinner and thinner. He began to spend the time spent riding or walking daydreaming about the meal that awaited him at the end of his journey.  
The Dragon.  
Bilbo imagined that dragon would be like lobster, with a hrd scaly outer shell, but one that was ripped off, the meat beneath would be tender and juicy, and there would be plenty of it. Maybe he could exchange his fourteenth of the treausre for the dragons cdy... if only he could find a way to take it back to the shire... oh what a feast that would be.

Billbo was arubtly jerked out of his daydream when a hand fell gently on his shoulder.  
"Are you okay Mr.Baggins?" It was Ori, the small scribe walking slowly next to Bilbo. "I've been trying to get your attention for the last minute."  
"Oh, i'm sorry Ori, i was just daydreaming." Bilbo apologized, turning to face the dwarf as they walked at the back of the company. "What can i help you with?"  
"Well..." Ori hesitated, "I wanted to ask you about Hobbits." Ori stammered out.  
"Hobbits?" Bilbo questioned.  
"Well... not much is known on your race, and i'd love to write a few pages about them." Ori held up his journal, a small nervous smile gracing his face. Bilbo grinned.  
"Oh, well, i'd love to! I'll try to awnser all of your questions, but no promises!" Bilbo smiled at Ori.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori asks a few questions 
> 
> Fili and Kili really need to learn how to take care of horses (Darn those trolls!)

"Okay um... Have Hobbits always lived in or around the Shire?" Ori held up his journal and was ready to write.   
"No actually.... we once moved across the land from a far-away mountain, the name which no Hobbit remembers. But we found the rolling hills of the Shire and stayed there, and we've been there ever since." Explained Bilbo patiently, watching Ori furiously scribble down notes in his notebook.   
"When did this move happen?" Ori curiously questioned.   
"Actually, I was alive when we Hobbits moved... it was about forty years ago... I was just a small Fauntling, just around ten or eleven years old... But I remember it all like it was yesterday." Bilbo's eyes took on a haunted look before clearing. "Would that information suffice for your question, Ori?" The scribe grinned and nodded before asking a few more questions.   
"Do Hobbits have a language?"   
"Yes, Hobbitish."   
"Why are your feet so... furry?"   
"Hobbits furry feet are their pride and joy, equivalent to dwarves and their facial hair."   
"Do Hobbits have any... advanced talents or skills?   
"Advanced talents...?" Bilbo asked.   
"Well, we dwarves can mine and mold stone and gems as if it was butter. Do Hobbits have any advantages?" explained Ori.   
Bilbo stilled and thought. 'Yes, only the small talent of being able to separate and Orcs head from their neck in a swift bite.'   
"Hobbits have... nothing." Bilbo murmured. Bilbo and Ori jerked around as a call went up for them to make camp. 

(Now I'm skipping to the whole troll experience because I'm lazy and don't want to write the whole story up to there. I'll let you know that it took me like two days to write this XD) 

Fili and Kili are sitting on the ground, back against parallel trees facing each other. Fili's gazing out over the horses, keeping an eye on them. Kili leans his head back, resting it on the tree behind him. Kili sighs and looks over at the horses; Fili glances over at his brother having heard him sigh. Fili watches him for a moment, a small smile playing on his lips, before turning his attention back to his surroundings and the horses. They had been watching the horses for only twenty minutes but Kili is already getting restless; he doesn't do well with sitting still. Kili shifts his gaze to the ground before him. He begins picking up small twigs and throwing them into the woods around them. He looks over at his older brother, a devilish smile playing on his lips. Fili's attention is completely on the task at hand: looking after the horses. Kili picks up a twig and chucks it at his brother, hitting him in the chest. Fili looks over at his younger brother, seeing him looking into the woods. Fili narrows his eyes but doesn't say anything, turning his attention back to the horses. Kili glances over at him, seeing him watching the horses again. He picks up another twig and chucks it at his brother for a second time, this time hitting him in the forehead. Fili looks over at Kili, seeing him looking into the woods again, but not missing the smirk Kili is unsuccessfully trying to hide. Fili picks up a twig of his own and chucks it at his brother, hitting him in the chest. Kili looks over at him, seeing the playful smirk on his brothers' face. Kili picks up another twig and throws it at his brother hitting him in the forehead once again. A chuckle almost escapes Kili, but before it does, Fili has propelled himself across the space between them and has tackled his brother. The two brothers roll a few feet away, each trying to get the better of the other. They come to a stop with Fili on top. He looks down at Kili, a smirk on his face.   
"Guess you need a little more practice brother," Fili says, his smirk growing. Kili scowls. It doesn't last for long though because Kili flips his brother over, landing on top of him. Kili looks down at his brother with a cocky smirk, raising an eyebrow as if daring his brother to say he needs to practice more again. Fili can't help the proud look on his face. Before either of the brothers can do anything, there is a loud crash. The two dwarves freeze, their heads whipping over to where the horses are, realizing they've gotten further away from them than they thought. Fili gently tosses his brother off him and the two of them stand up, peering into the trees.   
"Fili?" Kili asks, not taking his eyes off the forest around them.   
"I don't know," Fili replies, looking around them. "Come on." Fili quietly walks back towards the horses, Kili quietly following after him. They come to where the horses are and crouch behind a tree, looking around for anything out of the ordinary. Not seeing anything, they stand up and walk into the open and check where the horses are, studying them. Fili notices it first.   
"Something's missing," Fili says, studying the horses more closely, counting under his breath. Kili studies the horses more closely as well. "Kili? How many ponies do you count?" Kili begins counting the ponies, his eyes growing wide when he's done. He looks over at his brother whose eyes are just as wide.   
Bilbo walks out into the dark forest where Fili and Kili are standing watch over the company's ponies. He walks up in between them, noticing them standing up and staring out into the dark. He hands them their soup but they don't take it.   
"What's the matter?" Bilbo asks them, looking at each of them in turn.   
"We're supposed to be looking out for the ponies," Kili explains, not taking his eyes of the dark expanse before him.   
"Only we've encountered a slight problem," Fili explains further, also not looking away from where he is staring.   
"We had sixteen," Kili says, finally looking over at Bilbo.   
"Now there's fourteen," Fili adds, also looking down at Bilbo. Bilbo looks out at the ponies before them, understanding what this means and Kili and Fili look up at each other to share a look before examining the ponies as well.   
"Minty and Myrtle are missing," Kili announces, having figured out what horses they did have.   
"Well, that's not good. That's not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?" Bilbo says, looking at both the brothers. The two brothers share another look, Kili's eyes going wide, before Fili speaks up.   
"Uh, no. Let's not worry him," Fili says, looking down at Bilbo. A thought occurs to him. "As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it." Kili looks down at Bilbo and nods his head in agreement. Bilbo's eyes grow wide and he looks between the two of them and then shifts his gaze to the forest around him, falling on some trees that have been uprooted and are lying on the ground.   
"Well, uh…look. Some…Something big uprooted these trees," Bilbo stammers out, not liking this idea at all.   
"That was our thinking," Kili agrees, looking over at the uprooted trees himself.   
"Something very big, and possibly quite dangerous," Bilbo adds as the Dwarf brothers begin looking around the trees for any sign as to where the ponies were taken.   
"Hey! There's a light. Over here! Stay down," Fili calls out to them from a short ways away. Kili and Bilbo quickly follow after Fili through the forest toward the light. They crouch down behind a log, Bilbo setting the soup bowls on it, and realize the light is a fire. They hear a harsh laughter emanating from where the fire is and Bilbo's eyes grow big again.   
"What is it?" he asks, fear in his voice.   
"Trolls," Kili says, widening his eyes at where the fire is shining from. Fili and Kili quickly and quietly make their way towards the fire, jumping over the log. Bilbo starts after them but stops and turns around to grab the soup bowls before turning to follow them again, carrying the bowls with him. Bilbo quickly hides behind a tree with Fili and Kili and peers around it seeing a massive troll walking towards the fire with a pony under each of his arms.   
"He's got Myrtle and Minty!" exclaims Bilbo, shifting his body and setting the bowls down on the ground. "I think they're going to eat them, we have to do something." Bilbo cared for the life of his loyal pony, who had been good to him so far on this journey.   
"Yes. You should," Kili says, nodding his head and looking over at Bilbo. "Mountain trolls are slow and stupid and you're so small."   
"Wait... N…n…no," Bilbo stutters out, violently shaking his head..   
"It's perfectly safe. We'll be right behind you," Kili assures, nodding his head in encouragement. Bilbo looks from Kili to Fili, who is also nodding his head.   
"If you run into trouble, hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl," Fili says and the two brothers give Bilbo a push towards the fire. Bilbo recites the instructions to himself as he walks towards the fire but ends up getting confused.   
"Twice like a barn owl, twice like a…once like a brown? Are you sure this is a good idea? Can’t we just go fetch Thorin?" he asks as he turns around, but sees Fili and Kili are already gone.   
Bilbo turned and sighed quietly before quietly stepping over to the horse pen, bare feet deftly dodging dried leaves and brittle sticks, silently slinking over to the entrapped horses.   
The three trolls were unaware, sitting around a fire on which a cauldron of something is cooking.   
“Mutton yesterday, mutton today, and blimey, if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow.”   
“Quit yer’ griping. These ain’t sheep. These is West Nags!”   
As one troll pulls out a rag... handkerchief, that was sticking out of its belt, Bilbo sees that he’s wearing a long knife in his belt. Bilbo, unable to untie the ropes restraining the distressed ponies, attempts to quietly sneak across the uneven forest floor to get the knife from the troll. Bilbo quietly gets behind William and tries to reach for the knife, but William stand up and scratches his bottom. Bilbo is disgusted, nosed wrinkling, stumbling back a step.   
“Me guts are grumbling, I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh I need, flesh!” The troll, about to sneeze, reaches behind him for his handkerchief, but accidentally grabs Bilbo with the hankerchief instead, and, pulling him up to his face,sneezes all over him.   
“Argh!!! Blimey! Bert! Bert! Look what’s come out of me ‘ooter! It’s got arms and legs and everything.” The other trolls gather around to look.   
“What is it?”   
“I don’t know, but I don’t like the way it wriggles around!” the troll proceeded to violently shake Bilbo, who was stiff in shock, covered in snot, off the napkin and onto the ground.   
“What are you then? An oversized squirrel?”   
“I’m a burglar uhh, Hobbit. I'm a Hobbit.”   
“A BurglaHobbit?”   
“Can we cook `im?   
“We can try!” One troll tries to grab Bilbo, but he dodges, only to be cornered by yet another. Bilbo braces himself, ready to bare his sharp teeth. Bilbo bet trolls wouldn't taste at all delicious, but a troll interrupted him.   
“He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful, not when he’s skinned and boned!”   
“Perhaps there’s more BurglarHobbits around these parts. Might be enough for a good pie.” “Grab him!” As the trolls try to catch Bilbo, he runs around trying to dodge them. Bilbo is eventually caught by the legs by the cook Troll, and held upside down in the air.   
“Come here, you little... Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas `iding where you shouldn’t?”   
“Nope.” squeaked Bilbo, eyes wide with terror   
“He’s lying.”   
“No I’m not!” Bilbo protested desperately   
“Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal.” Bilbo was ready to accept his fate, twisting and struggling, when a rustling in the bushes caught the troll's attention. Kili suddenly burst out of the bushes and cut the handkerchief Troll in the leg, making him howl and fall down, making the earth shudder under his weight.   
“Drop him!”   
“You what?” The troll holding Bilbo looked at Kili.   
“I said, drop him.” Kili Struck a brave pose. And then the troll shrugged and flicked his wrist. Bilbo threw through the air towards Kili, landing with a crash on Kili, knocking them both down. The rest of the Company charges out of the bushes yelling and brandishing their weapons. They begin fighting the trolls, hacking, slashing, and hammering their legs. As the dwarves fight, Bilbo grabs William’s knife and cuts the ropes, freeing the ponies. The troll that had been holding Bilbo, seeing this, grabs Bilbo. The dwarves stop fighting when they see the trolls holding Bilbo by the arms and legs.   
“Bilbo!”   
“No!”   
“Lay down your arms, or we’ll rip his off.” Thorin looked at Bilbo in frustration, and possibly anger, then plants his sword in the ground. The others drop their swords and weapons as well.   
O-oo-O-oo-O-oo-O-oo-O-oo-O   
The trolls have tied several of the weaponless dwarves onto a spit and are roasting them over a fire; the rest, and Bilbo, are tied up in sacks nearby.   
“Don’t bother cooking them. Let’s just sit on them and squash them into jelly.”   
“They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.”   
“Is this really necessary?”   
“Ooh, that does sound quite nice.”   
“Untie us, you monsters!”   
“Take on someone your own size!” The dwarves on the spit and in the bags are all making noises and talking in fear.   
“Never mind the seasoning; we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, so let’s get a move on. I don’t fancy being turned to stone.” Bilbo, hearing what the troll said said, has an idea. A stupid idea, yes, but an idea nonetheless.   
“Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.” Bilbo called out to the trolls.   
“You can’t reason with them, they’re halfwits!” A dwarf called out.   
“Halfwits? What does that make us?” Another Dwarf scoffs.[Bilbo managed to stand up, although still tied up in a sack. He faces the trolls.   
“Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning.”   
“What about the seasoning?”   
“Well have you smelt them? You’re going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up.” The dwarves yell at Bilbo, calling him a traitor. The ones in sacks kick him roughly.   
“What do you know about cooking dwarf?”   
“Shut up, and let the, uh, flurgaburburrahobbit talk.”   
“Uh, ththe secret to cooking dwarf is, um”   
“Yes? Come on.   
“It’s, uh”   
“Tell us the secret.”   
“Yeyes, I’m telling you, the secret is … to skin them first!”   
“Tom, get me the filleting knife.”   
“If I get you, you little” “I won’t forget that!” The dwarves called out in anger at the meek little hobbit.   
“What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all.”   
Bilbo saw a flash of white hair out of the corner of his eyes, Gandalf slipping behind some trees nearby.   
“`e’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf! Nice and crunchy.”The troll grabs Bombur, who is in a sack, and dangles him upside down over his mouth, about to eat him whole.   
Bilbo hurried to find a excuse, and blurted out “Notnot that one, hehe’s infected!”   
“You what?”   
“Yeah, He’s got worms in his … tubes.” Bilbo wrinkled his nose at the thought of it. The Troll drops Bombur back into the pile of Dwarves in disgust. "In...in fact they all have, they’re in-infested with parasites. It’s a terrible business; I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.” Bilbo warned the troll.   
"Wait, these dwarves don't have worms! Let's eat 'em whole, this creature is lying to us!" One Troll called. Bilbo stumbled backwards, back bumping into a tree. The Troll crouched and scooped up the hobbit, the cries of the dwarves echoing through the trees. Bilbo squirmed and twisted as the troll opened his mouth, jaw filled with rotten teeth and mold. Bilbo gritted his teeth, then turned swiftly and sunk his sharp molars into the trolls grimy, dirt covered hand. The troll cried out in pain, dropping Bilbo onto the ground, clutching his hand, shrieking. "The creature bit me! It BIT ME!" The troll moved to squash the hobbit, but before it could, a certain wizard stepped over the rise.   
"MAY THE DAWN TAKE YOU ALL!" Gandalf rose his staff as light streamed into the clearing and the trolls shrieked in pain before slowly turning to stone. Bilbo, still lying on the ground, rolled over and climbed to his feet, brushing the dirt and leaves off his trousers, then grabbing the knife from the earlier trolls' corpse, he freed the dwarves.   
"Thank you, Bilbo! That must have taken courage to bite that Troll!" Ori exclaimed. Bilbo smiled and shook his head.   
"Sure, now I just regret because all I can taste is that rancid trolls blood and skin."   
"You must have strong jaws to bite through troll skin, Mr. Baggins." Kili piped up. Bilbo stilled, and muttered something about having lots of practice eating food before sliding over to Gandalf.


End file.
